Eclipse Parody
by Annie Cullen xx
Summary: With the movie due out in one month time, I thought I'd treat you to a Parody of it. Bella's euphemisms and Jacob crying over a pen?
1. Chapter 1: Jacob broke his pen

A/N: Oh... my God... an Eclipse parody!

* * *

Location: Jacob's House

Jacob: (Crying)

AC: S'up my young werewolf buddy?

Jacob: (Holds up half a pen, still crying)

AC: And your point?

Jacob: The pen wouldn't work... and then I got angry and broke the pen.

AC: So?

Jacob: I can't write my heart-filled note!

AC: (Hands Jacob a pen)

Jacob: I can't write with Ball-Points, I can only use Biros.

AC: My God, werewolves are _so _fussy!

* * *

Location: Bella's House.

Bella: (Gets out 10 mile long note from Jacob) Wait... why does it switch from black ink the blue ink?

AC: His pen ran out. Actually that's an understatement, the pen ran out so he snapped it in half.

Bella: Typical Jacob.

AC: I smell burning...

Bella: (Runs downstairs) WHAT THE CRAP CHARLIE?

Charlie: What?

Bella: POUR THE SAUCE OUT OF THE JAR! AND MIX NOODLES, _MIX_!

Charlie: Sorry... arn't you going to ask me why I'm cooking?

Bella: Do I want to ask why you're cooking?

Charlie: It involves your grounding.

Bella: Tell me more! (Suddenly falls over onto her ass)

AC: Haha!

Bella: The note... it feels like it weighs 10 tonnes... sorry.

AC: Hehe... I actually love this book.

Charlie and Bella: Book?

AC: ... Um... I... this book (Holds up My Sister's Keeper and opens in, immediately bursting into tears)

Bella: Why are you crying?

AC: It's... so... SAD!

Bella: Oh... CHARLIE! THE FUCKING NOODLES!

* * *

Location: Bella's Kitchen (10 Minutes Later)

Charlie: Now Bella... now you have a boyfriend, I want to know if you're being safe.

AC: (Appears) I've gotta see this!

Bella: Pfft, of course, I always fasten my seat belt in his car.

AC: (Tries not to laugh) Is that a euphemism?

Charlie: No, no Bella! I mean _safe_.

Bella: Yes, I am. I always keep his hand in mine when we're out.

AC: (Bites lip to hold in laughter)

Charlie: NO BELLA, I MEAN CONDOMS! SAFE SEX!

Bella: ...

AC: ... There's no such thing as safe sex, just saf_er _sex.

Bella: ...

Charlie: Bella?

AC: It's an awkward moment, Charlie.

* * *

Location: Cullen House.

AC: (Appears, half dead from laughter)

Edward: What do you want?

AC: You should of been there! (Laughs)

Edward: What?

AC: Charlle talking to Bella about... about... (Falls to the floor laughing)

Edward: WHAT?!

AC: Hey Edward, does Bella always fasten her seat belt in your car. (Winks)

Emmett: Is that a euphemism for something I am very fond of?

AC: I think it is, Emmett.

Edward: What?

AC: S-E-X

Edward: ?

AC: Sexy Time?

Edward: ??

AC: (Sighs) SEX YOU IDIOT!

Edward: Oh... me and Bella haven't done it yet... we're both virgins.

Emmett and Jasper: (Grin manically)

Edward: Shouldn't of said that.

**

* * *

**

So, chapter one up! Like it? Review? x


	2. Chapter 2: Edward, mind of an Elephant

**AN: Since Eclipse is out, I'm doing this parody from the movie :)**

* * *

**Location:** Somewhere in Seattle

Riley: (Sigh) (In head) _Another lonley night here in Seattle. God my life sucks, it's so boring... what the hell am I thinking? Forks was way worse, it was small and boring! I wish something interesting would happen... I SAID I WISH SOMETHING INTERESTING WOULD HAPPEN!_

Victoria: Omnomnomnom...

Riley: WHAT THE FUCK? MY LAPTOP!

Victoria: (Bites Riley)

Riley: Ha, missed you- (Sees bite mark on his hand) Oh... (Screams)

Victoria: (Runs away with Riley's laptop)

...

**Location:** Edward and Bella's Meadow

Edward: (Strokes Bella's hair) Marry Me.

Bella: (Turns the page of her book) No.

Edward: Marry Me.

Bella: (Through her gritted teeth) No.

Edward: (Sighs) Marry me?

Bella: (Slams her pen down) Edward, I unlike you, have to study for finals because I don't have the mind like an elephant! So if you don't mind... (Looks back at the book)

Edward: (Chuckles) I know what the problem is. (Bella glares at him) Bella, will you marry me _please_? (Grins proudly)

Bella: (Smiles smugly) Yes.

Edward: REALLY?

Bella: Ha, no. (Stands up and walks away)

Edward: (-.-')

...

**Location:** Bella's House

Charlie: (Staring at Riley's photo, stroking his invisible goatie)

Bella: Hi Dad.

Charlie: (Throws photo behind couch) Bella, hi, um... can I talk to you?

Bella: Whatever.

Charlie: I'm lifting your grounding (Holds up the word 'Grounding' with Bella's name on it)

Bella: Oh hilarious, Dad...

Charlie: On one condition...

Bella: (Mutters) What is it with people in this town and their stupid conditions?

Charlie: You say something?

Bella: No.

Charlie: Anyway, you need to hang around with your other friends, I mean Jacob's been having a hard time, and Billy's worried about him.

AC: We're all always so worried about precious Jacob, aren't we?

Bella: Oh for the love of- Why are you here again?

AC: Because you're a skank, and if Edward was proposing to me I'd jump at the chance.

Bella: ... skank was a bit harsh.

Charlie: SHUT UP! All I'm saying is just hang around with Jake a bit more.

Bella: Fine, I'll go now! (Storms to her truck, and tries to start it up but it doesn't work) START YOU STUPID MOTHER FU-

Edward: (Appears in the truck)

Bella: (Gasps) You again.

Edward: I see you truck isn't working...

Bella: How did you- (Gasps) You did this! I was only going to the rez, my God Edward!

Edward: The wolves are unpredictable, they could get angry and snap, you could get hurt.

Bella: Pfft, so they have anger issues, you kind of have the tendancy to over react.

Edward: ... Just don't go, okay?

Bella: But Edward, I only have until graduation to see him, then he'll hate me, he won't want to see me again!

AC: (Cough) Notlikey (Cough)

Bella: And what is that supposed to mean?

AC: (Looks at her wrist, pretending there's a watch) Oh my days, is that the time? Best dash my lovelys... bye Edward... (Disappears)

...

**Location: **The School Cafeteria

Mike: ...and I thank the awful Catherine Hardwicke...

Jessica: (Whispers) Mike, cross that out.

Mike: (Whispers) Why?

Jessica: David Slade keeps giving me the evil eye.

DS: (In head) _If she mentions that pathetic excuse for a director's name again..._

Bella: Your speech is going to be epic, Jess.

AC: Pah! Since when did you say 'Epic'?

Bella: Since now.

Alice: GUESS WHAT? I'm planning another party! Yippee!

Edward and Bella: No.

Alice: It will be fun.

Bella: That's what you said the last time, and look what happened.

Edward: Yeah, you broke my piano...

Bella: That isn't what I was talking about.

Edward: My piano was my life!

Bella, Alice and Jasper: Not again...


	3. Chapter 3: He never got lucky!

**AN: Just bought Valentines Day - it's such a cute film ^^ and in this chapter you will discover my clear obsession for arms (have you seen PFach's in Eclipse? Oh Em Gee!)**

* * *

**Location: **Seattle

Bree: (Clutching throat) Ahh! What did you do me? I'm... I'm so...

Riley: Yeah, it does that to you...

Bree: (Continues to clutch throat, whilst her acting deteriorates a bit more)

AC: (Appears) _Pfft_, come on, I'm crap at acting and I could do a better job than you.

Bree: But my throat... it burns!

AC: Try drinking straight Gin... (Shudders and disappears)

Riley: Just try not to get killed-

AC: Like you at the end? Good going Riley, can't even act on your own words.

Riley: (Whimpers) I- I die?

...

**Location: **Outside the Police Station.

Edward: Bella-

Bella: If you ask me to marry you again, just remember we're outside a Police Station. Speaking of which, what did Alice see today?

Edward: (Quietly) Nothing.

Bella: So she pulled her vision face for nothing?

Edward: Yup.

Bella: (Smiles evily) I'll marry you if you tell me.

Edward: (Grins) Alice saw Victoria coming here, marry me now?

Bella: Geez, I didn't know vampires were gullable.

Charlie: Bella, I thought it was just the two of us for dinner tonight? (Glares at Edward)

Bella: It is, he's dropping me off because he broke my poor innocent truck.

Charlie: You bastard.

Edward: Have you seen that hideous thing?

Charlie: Yes... I bought her it...

Edward: _Aaaand _I'll be going now (runs to his car) Oh Bella, my parents want you to know those airline tickets expire, like, soon.

Charlie: Airline tickets?

Bella: From my birthday.

Charlie: Your parents got her an airline ticket?

Bella: Two, actually.

Charlie: And I assume you'll be taking Jacob with you?

Bella: (Gives Charlie the 'what do you think?' look) Edward, use the other ticket.

Charlie: Oh, God damn it! (Flails arms and runs away)

...

**Location: **Florida... or Jacksonville if you will.

Renee: The sun feels great, right?

Bella: Mmm... (In head) _My God it burns my pasty skin..._

Renee: Why don't you come to the Jacksonville College? It's got sun, and you get to see me a lot more.

Bella: Mother, I don't want to come to Jacksonville College because of Edward, he can't go in the sun because his skin- (Stops as she realises her mistake)- Uh...

Renee: His skins what?

Bella: He's allergic to the sun...

Renee: Why is he here then?

Bella: He's inside, isn't he?

Renee: Yes but-

Bella: Problem solved.

Renee: ... I have a gift for you (Jumps up)

Bella: Oh for the love of- (Renee runs in with the box)- Oh Mother, you shouldn't have.

Renee: Open it.

Bella: (Lifts out ginormous blanket) Oh it's... you sewed together all our t-shirts?

Renee: Every last one... you can use it when you have kids, maybe add on to it.

Bella: (Screams inside and hugs Renee) Thank you, I love you.

_(Meanwhile, inside where Edward is pretending to do homework when actually he's writing 'Edward loves Bella For Ever' in every possible font and language he can think of)_

Edward: What? Kids? Is the woman insane? That's impossible for me...

AC: (Coughs) That'swhatyouthink (Cough)

Edward: Stop that... Oh, I forgot Polish! Edward Bella kocha na zawsze!

...

**Location: **Parking Lot at Forks High

Bella: (Tries not to fall asleep)

Edward: (Grins evilly and pulls the handbrake really hard to wake Bella up)

Bella: (Wakes up) VAMPIRES! (See's Edward) Oh hi... um...

Edward: If I told you to-

Bella: (Gets out of the car)

Edward: God, damn it. (Gets out and storms towards Jacob)

Jacob: (Turns around just as the whole of the female population of Forks dies of shock)

Bella: (The 1% who didn't die, figures) Jake, hi.

AC: (Appears, fighting the urge to squeal and die at Jacob's arms) Hands up who hates small talk.

Jacob: Charlie said you left town.

Bella: To visit my Mom, why?

Edward: Checking if you're still human... and no Jacob, she didn't get you a present.

Jacob: (Whining) Aw Man! (Serious) I'm here to warn you, if your kind come on our land again-

Edward: Leave. Now.

Jacob: She has a right to know.

Bella: Know what?

AC: That he has AIDS... oh, oh. (Raises eyesbrows)

Edward: Okay, why would a vampire life myself have AIDS?

AC: (Whispers) From when you were human... you slept with a bitch named Eliza who had previously slept with your brother.

Edward: (Looks at a confused Bella) Ignore her, she knows nothing because I knew no one called Eliza and I don't have a brother, not to mention I'm a virgin...

Jacob: (Bites lip) You're a what now?

Edward: A virgin, Jacob.

Jacob: Seriously.

Edward: (Scoffs) Bella's a virgin, too.

Bella: EDWARD!

Jacob: Her I can understand, but you're over a hundred years old, and you're telling me you never got lucky?

Edward: No...

Jacob: Pahahahaha!


End file.
